People Don’t Change? Think Again.
One of the most common beliefs that one or both partners bring into couples therapy is the idea that change is impossible. They often express this as, “I don’t expect anything to change because people can’t change.” This sentiment is often directed toward a partner, but sometimes it’s a belief held about themselves. While understandable, this statement couldn’t be further from the truth. Attachment science and decades of research in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) offer compelling evidence that people can change—but it’s not magic. People change when they feel safe, supported, and understood. Change happens when the right circumstances are cultivated.
In many relationships, the conditions for change are absent. Animosity and conflict dominate interactions, leaving both partners feeling defensive, guarded, and disconnected. This emotional environment makes it almost impossible for either person to pause, reflect, or engage vulnerably. When conflict arises, the brain perceives a threat, and couples become stuck in a negative cycle. Each partner’s protective behaviours trigger the other, creating a feedback loop of frustration and distance. In this cycle, the possibility for growth, connection, or change feels far out of reach.
What Attachment Science Teaches Us
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and used as a key underpinning in EFT by Dr. Sue Johnson, lead developer of the model, demonstrates that humans are wired for connection. When we feel emotionally safe and secure in our relationships, we thrive. Conversely, when our sense of connection is threatened, we instinctively protect ourselves. These protective strategies, while necessary for survival in moments of distress, often become barriers to deeper intimacy and growth over time.
The good news? Attachment is malleable. With the right interventions, couples can shift from a place of disconnection to one of closeness and understanding. The EFT model is grounded in this belief: that even the most entrenched negative cycles can be transformed into secure and loving connections.
The Role of the Therapist
In therapy sessions, when a partner expresses doubt about the possibility of change, I often respond by reframing their perspective. I share with them that change is not only possible but probable when the relational environment shifts. If you think about it, when relationships are fraught with animosity and conflict, both partners are often operating in survival mode. In these moments, they aren’t able to stop, reflect, or access their more vulnerable selves.
The role of the EFT therapist is to help couples see and recognize the negative cycle they are caught in. This is stage one of EFT. By slowing down interactions, mapping out the negative cycle, and helping each partner see their part in it, couples begin to recognize that the problem isn’t their partner—it’s the cycle they’re stuck in together. This shift is essential because it opens the door to the possibility of something new.
Creating the Right Conditions for Change
As couples begin to soften and move toward each other, the conditions for change start to take shape. Stage two of EFT focuses on deepening vulnerability. Partners begin to access and share the fears and longings that lie beneath their protective strategies. This is where the EFT Tango becomes so powerful. Through carefully choreographed moves, the therapist guides partners to take risks in sharing their inner worlds with each other. These moments of vulnerability are transformational. When a partner hears and responds to their loved one’s pain with empathy and care, something remarkable happens: new patterns of connection take shape.
Research and Evidence
Numerous studies support the effectiveness of EFT in helping couples change entrenched patterns of interaction. Johnson and Coan’s (2013) fMRI research demonstrated that partners in securely bonded relationships show reduced brain responses to threat when holding hands. This highlights the power of emotional connection in fostering a sense of safety and reducing reactivity.
Furthermore, attachment science teaches us that people are not static. Our attachment strategies, while shaped by early experiences, are adaptable. When individuals feel understood and valued, they can shift from a stance of protection to one of openness and trust.
Conclusion: Change is Possible
When couples believe that people can’t change, they’re often speaking from a place of pain and hopelessness. But attachment science and EFT offer a different story—a hopeful story. People can change when they feel emotionally safe and supported. Relationships can shift when partners recognize and step out of their negative cycles. Vulnerability and connection can replace animosity and distance.
So, the next time someone tells me, “People don’t change,” I’ll gently challenge them with this truth: People don’t change in the absence of safety and connection, but they absolutely do when the right conditions are created. It’s not easy, but it is possible—and it’s what makes the journey of therapy so profoundly meaningful for both clients and the EFT therapist.