“Love is not a bargain, it’s a bond.” Remembering Sue’s Wisdom

Sue Johnson’s concept that "Love is not a bargain, it’s a bond" is a profound insight that redefines how we understand and approach relationships. This idea, emphasized in her educational book for couples, Hold Me Tight, presently translated into 30 different languages, challenges the common belief that love is about fairness or keeping score. In fact, many couples enter Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) with the notion that their relationship issues can be resolved through negotiations that ensure fairness, an equal exchange of efforts, affection, and responsibilities. However, Sue’s incredible life’s work to understand relationships, reveals that this transactional view of love often leads to more disconnection rather than the intimacy and security that partners truly seek.

The idea that love is a bond rather than a bargain is deeply rooted in attachment theory, which is central to the EFCT model. According to Sue, love is about forming a secure emotional bond with your partner, where both individuals feel safe, seen, heard, valued, prioritized and therefore…connected. This bond is not based on what each partner gives or gets in return, but rather on the emotional connection that is nurtured and maintained over time. When love is seen as a bond, it transcends the idea of fairness and moves into the realm of emotional security. This can be a place where both partners can be vulnerable, express their needs, and respond to each other with empathy and care. It’s what John Bowlby, father of attachment theory, described as a Safe Haven and Secure Base (but let’s leave that for the next issue).

In therapy, EFCT therapists often work with couples caught in what Sue calls a "negative interactional pattern" or "dance." This pattern usually arises when one or both partners feel upset, often perceiving an issue of inequality, and believing something is unfair. One partner may feel they are giving more than the other or that their needs are not being met. However, the more they focus on fairness and keeping score, the more emotionally distant they become. This ongoing negotiation only entrenches them further in a cycle of blame, withdrawal, and frustration, deepening the emotional gap between them.

The role of the EFCT therapist, then, is to gently guide couples away from this transactional mindset and towards a focus on their emotional bond. The therapist helps couples understand that their negative dance is not really about fairness, but about underlying fears and unmet attachment needs. For instance, one partner may withdraw or become critical not because they want to punish the other, but because they fear rejection or abandonment. “I fear I don’t matter to you like I used to…or I move away because I am afraid of getting it wrong.” By identifying these deeper emotions and needs, couples can begin to see each other not as adversaries in a battle for fairness, but as partners in a journey towards connection and mutual support. Who doesn’t want that?

Sue’s idea that "love is not a bargain, it’s a bond" invites couples to shift their focus from a transactional view of relationships to one that prioritizes emotional connection. When the EFCT therapist helps couples embrace this perspective, they can move away from the destructive patterns of blame and defensiveness and instead work together to create a secure, loving bond. Unlike any bargain, this relational bond is resilient, enduring, and capable of weathering the storms that all relationships inevitably face.

As couples learn to nurture their bond rather than negotiate terms, they find that their relationship becomes a source of comfort and strength, rather than a battlefield of fairness. They discover that true love is not about what you can get, but about what you can give to create and maintain a deep, secure connection with your partner. And in that bond, both partners find the fulfillment and joy that comes from being truly seen, heard and loved.

Thank you Sue for your crystal-clear concept. One that we can all ponder and learn from.